The Wretched Year (part one)

Near mile 10 of yesterday’s run my chest started getting irritated. As a direct result, so did I.

“What the hell,” I muttered to the empty morning streets. A little further on it hit me. Nipple chafe. Rookie move, Lutz. Rookie move.

While getting ready for my run I had decided (while still asleep, apparently) that I would wear the shirt from the ShamRock ‘N Half in March. After all, my sleep-deprived brain reasoned, I wore it for that event and I was fine.

What didn’t happen while I was getting ready was the application of Band-Aids on my sensitive and pink, yet manly, man nipples. A must-have on this guy’s longer runs.

Thankfully the chafe wasn’t harsh enough to draw blood, but it was enough to remind me of the many lessons I have learned over the past year.

Just shy of one year ago, I listened to a good friend talk about the many marathons she had run. Despite doctors telling her it wouldn’t be possible earlier in her life, she did it anyway. This was inspirational stuff, and I’m a sucker for inspirational stuff.

Though I had been avidly walking for quite some time, dropped a lot of weight because of it (60 pounds if you’re wondering) and was quite active all around, it wasn’t enough. I had been itching to run for some time. I had previously walked/ran a 5K event held by the local hospital association, but I wanted to RUN a race.

I shared my feelings (yet manly feelings) with CK, who was a smoker.

“I’d better quit then,” she said. When I questioned why she would need to quit smoking when it was something I was wanting to embark on, she said she wanted to as well. And having someone to do this with would only keep me accountable and motivated. When you really want to accomplish something, nothing can stand in your way.

Since this time last year, we’ve run multiple 5Ks, one 10k (soon two be two), four (soon to be five) half marathons and one full marathon.

And even though it’s said that running is one of the few sports that requires no equipment, that’s just not true. Shoes are important in almost every sport, except swimming (in which case flippers would seem like a smart option), but none more so than running. I was running in shoes a size too small and didn’t realize it. Newbies to the world of running might try to sidestep a professionally-fitted pair of shoes (much like I did), only to realize that this is folly. Utter folly. Folly, I tells ya!

Plus, if you want to keep track of your progress, a running app or GPS watch won’t hurt. You’ll also need a water bottle. Running belt. Proper moisture-wicking apparel. Socks. Gloves. Balaclava. Energy gels. Bodyglide. Hat. Did I miss anything? Oh, knee pads if you’re prone to tripping.

In this year (one of the truly best of my 43 years), I’ve run more in training for races than I have in races. Which is as it should be. But I also haven’t signed up for races in a (manly) willy-nilly fashion. Each one was thought out. How far is it? Will travel be involved? Are we running anything else close to that date? Is it a flat course? Are there hills? Did the race coordinators lie about it being a flat, fast course? What the hell was I thinking? The only race we’ve signed up for on a whim was the San Francisco marathon this coming July. It’s 26.2 miles. We will have to travel. We are running a 5K on July 4 in Roseville. It’s not flat. There are hills (San Franscisco, people!). Race coordinators realize it’s not flat nor fast. What the hell was I thinking?!?

To date I have run 1,322 miles (tracked with the Runkeeper app on my iPhone), and that was from the time I started tracking my runs, about a month after I started running. So far this year I have run 423.34 miles.

In all that time, the only person who said I couldn’t do it was me. Plenty of friends and relatives have questioned WHY I would do all this running, but they’ve all been super encouraging. And I’m happy to report that even though I said I couldn’t do it, I’ve proved myself wrong on every occasion.

My thoughts are my own worst enemy, but I’ve slowly learned to shut them up when they start second-guessing me.

I can get pretty philosophical about the past year if I really want to, but I won’t. Not yet. Instead, I’ll bring it all down to this: I’m not going to forget to bandage my nipples before a long run ever again.

And CK is still smoke-free, so running works miracles in my opinion.

Distractions on the Run

I’ve only run one holiday-themed event, and that was a run to feed the hungry on thanksgiving. And I’m sure there are plenty of Christmas and Easter runs (maybe a Passover Dash?), but the above strip is more about the bevy of sights that can be a distraction when I’m out running. Beautiful scenery, wildlife, paper carrier turf wars, the usual stuff. But when I start to notice the things around me and not necessarily what’s directly in front of me, I can lose focus. Not always a safe thing. Much like every aspect of life.

So, no matter your religious or non-religious observances, please make sure to always observe the road ahead.

Happy Running!

The Wretched Question: GPS vs. Phone Apps

I’ll admit it. I’m a techno-enthusiast. I love gadgets. If it’s shiny and has buttons, I’m fascinated and want to play with it. The invention of the smartphone almost made my head explode. Back in the day, calculator watches were just as fascinating. It was like buttons on my wrist suddenly made me a super-spy.

So when I learned there are watches that can track runs like the myriad of smartphone fitness apps (I use Runkeeper), I really really REEEEEALLY wanted to try one. Or two. Or all of them.

This is where the conundrum begins. Are the watches any better than the apps?

Here’s the first major difference: Most of the apps are free (with more features available unlocked with a minimal monthly fee). The watches range anywhere from $69 for older ones to a couple of hundred for newer, fancier models.

Less expensive watches also seem to have fewer features such as making me a cup of coffee.

But there are a few other differences. A watch might be easier to use, because it’s on my wrist instead of my upper arm, where I carry my phone. It’s difficult for me to view my phone in the midst of a run due to the fact that I don’t wear my glasses when I run. Cuts down on the looking cool factor, don’cha know.

I say “might be” since I have yet to try a GPS watch.

The other plus to using an iPhone is being able to listen to music when running. There are some watches like the Pebble which sync via Bluetooth to the phones, but then that feels like carrying even more when part of what I want to do is cut back on how much I’m carrying.

I think I will eventually get my geeky hands on a watch, but I want to know what others think. I’d like recommendations. I’d also like the most features at the lowest possible price. Because I’m a cheapskate.

The Wretched Search for Energy (in bit form)

When I was a kid, somewhere around 11, our in-ground swimming pool became the victim of neglect. The once-crystalline blue water became green and murky. What is usually referred to as pond scum began to grow upon the surface, giving us our very own science experiment (or giant Dagobah playset).

Before too long, little squiggly creatures began appearing. They would feed on the green scum, swimming from one muck island to the next. I caught some in a jar with the water and green gunk to observe them more closely. I was quite proud of my Sea Monkeyesque discovery.

Until some jerk-headed adult pointed out I had a jar full of algae being eaten by mosquito larvae. And I was extremely allergic to mosquito bites as a child. I’d swell up like Violet Beauregarde. I immediately chucked the jar full of allergens.

Thus began my lifelong aversion to algae (because if it feeds the things that make me look like Rocky in the final round, nothing good could ever come from it … Right?).

So if you told me that 32 years later I would be eating a handful of algae, I’d say you were full of Soylent Green. It’s people, people!

But a spunky Boston company and a night of barely any sleep guaranteed I would be swallowing a handful of algae in pill form.

If I haven’t mentioned it in previous posts, I’m an early morning runner. Crazy early. Three in the morning, to be precise. It’s just cooler and there’s far less traffic to deal with and it starts the day off right and I don’t have to explain myself to you! But getting up at such an insane hour makes it necessary to get to bed at a decent time. I tend to hit the hay (moo) around 7:30pm.

Last night, however, I had a bout of the much dreaded insomnia. I don’t always have it, but when I do, it’s when I want to get as much sleep as possible. I got a miserable two and-a-half hours. Being (or at least trying to be) a silver linings-kind-of-guy, I kept in mind that I still had a sample packet of ENERGYbits. I had agreed to review the product (Hey, look! You’re reading it now!) if they sent a sample my way. When the alarm started screaming, I could have easily re-set it and slept for one and-a-half more hours. But that wouldn’t do much to improve my mood, so I got up to run instead.

So what are ENERGYbits? Yep, algae. In tablet form. That’s the simple answer. Spirulina algae to be precise. And let me be clear: Spirulina algae isn’t what I was playing with as a kid. That kind is spyrogyra. Spirulina is safe for human consumption. There are all kinds, really, and if you do a Google search, your head will explode with the sciencing.

According to the documentation that accompanied my ENERGYbits sample,

“When ENERGYbits algae tabs are swallowed prior to a workout, fitness class or run, it improves your energy, clears your mind, increases your stamina and eliminates your fatigue or hunger. They are 100% vegan, 100% raw, 100% NONGMO, 100% kosher, and contain over 40 vitamins and minerals, 64% protein – the highest concentration of protein in the world, Omega 3, antioxidants, chlorophyll, nitric oxide”

… and a partridge in a school bus. Kidding. I added that last part, in case you’re a moron. There are plenty of testimonials and product information on their web site in case you want to know more.

One tablet is one calorie. One serving is 30 tablets. That’s right. You have to swallow 30 of these little guys if you want all those supposed benefits. So I did because I did.

Now Jonathan Levitt, the company’s Community Manager said he recommends swallowing, although some people chew them. Personally, I cannot recommend chewing. I’m with Jonathan. So I did.

Did I feel energized when I hit the road? No. I was exhausted. But I didn’t expect our little green friends to make me a perky lightning bolt. But I did feel better than I thought I would for such a little amount of sleep.

Was I faster? No. According to my Runkeeper app, this was my 40th best time for running between six and eight miles. But I was also recovering from the half marathon two days prior.

What I can say is this: my mood throughout the day remained surprisingly upbeat, and I was able to maintain focus on my workload. This wouldn’t have happened in the past after insomniatic episodes. I just made up the word insomniatic to show how focused I am.

I have a feeling that if I want to experience the full benefit of ENERGYbits, I will have to try it on a regular basis. The company is pretty generous with discounts, which is a good thing since one order costs about $115. But, as Levitt pointed out, consumers get 33 servings for that $115, which comes to about $3.50 a serving ($2.50 with the discounts). Seeing that the Clif shots Coach Kitten and I usually take on our long run about that same amount, this could be a comparable deal.

I’m pretty open to enhancing my running experience and my health, so I’ll report on an expanded trial in the coming months.

And, don’t worry, I won’t damage any delicate sensibilities by talking about how my body digests those little green algae tablets.

Running of the Elk (warning: no actual elk were seen in this race)

This is probably one of the first races where I didn’t stress prior to the event and my nerves didn’t keep me from sleeping the night before – almost.

I awoke sometime after 1am from a dream where I was trying to pee with a blanket around my neck before the race, and I hadn’t turned in my bib for runners’ role call. Whatever that’s supposed to be. Apparently if you didn’t answer in time when the announcers called your name, you had to start the race near the back. I shook off the dream, took the blanket from around my neck and went to the bathroom.

The dream left me a bit frazzled and sleep came and went the rest of the night. I awoke exhausted. If there wasn’t a race (paid for, with a reeeeeally pretty medal) I would have rolled back over and gone back to sleep. Until Wednesday.

I also had zombie dreams, but that’s because I’m going to miss The Walking Dead until it returns in October. I love that show.

I really didn’t have any goals for the race, which took place on wide, flat country lanes in the undeveloped fields around Elk Grove (gee, where’d they get the name for the race?). Like most other races my only goal is to run the entire race and finish.

On the technical side of things (it’s about to get Runnerspeak up in here), I started with a pace of 8:18, eased into a 8:17/8:16 pace and eventually leveled out to a 8:22 min/mile.

There wasn’t a lot to see during this race aside from an abandoned Ghost Mall (coming soon to a theater near you – but not at this mall), frolicking horses (which I learned about after the race) and bloody nipples.

A quick word about the Ghost Mall: this structure is on the southern outskirts of Elk Grove. The developers got so far as to build the frames of the various buildings, then ran out of money. The shell of a structure sits there, unused to this day, as it has for years, a testament to poor planning.

Since there was really nothing of interest to look at after that, I watched other runners. I watch their tempos, gaits and stances. I kept pace with those that looked strongest. It seemed to help. I brought my own water, so I didn’t need to slow at the aid stations. Ha ha! Suckers! Kidding. Carrying my own water is a pain. But it saves me from having to slow down or stop altogether.

Disclaimer: I had planned to try a sample of ENERGYbits and review the product. I even brought it with me, but left it in the car. Thankfully, I brought a Clif shot (which I call orc’s blood), and ate that around 6.5 miles. Since I have six miles to run in the morning, I’m going to try the ENERGYbits then to see if they’re what they claim.

I finished the last leg, amping up my pace in the last quarter mile or so, like usual. That stroller-pushing chick was NOT going to beat me! I passed her and her lazy, freeloading kid, and charged through the finish without tripping on any of the photographers.

As I waited, camera at the ready, for Coach Kitten to cross the finish, I witnessed one guy cramp-up, unable to run, let alone walk any further. Another guy collapsed James Brown-style. And a third guy came across the finish in a long-sleeve white shirt, bloody spots where presumably his nipples are, streaks of pink coming down the front of the shirt. I had to wince at the sight.

Though I didn’t set out with any goals, I matched my first half-marathon finish time of 1:50:55 (which is also my best time so far). This tells me I have a real chance to get a PR at Avenue of the Vines coming up in May.

And there was one elk. It was a person in an elk costume. Damn furries are infiltrating everything.

Time Travel

There’s no going back. We may make the same mistakes now and again, but it’s not possible to go back in time to correct those we’ve made.

Thankfully, the road ahead gives us plenty of opportunity to make better choices and learn from the road behind.

Tomorrow I will run The Running of the Elk in Elk Grove. I don’t know how I’ll do, but I do know that it will only add to the experiences I’ve been using to fuel the comic strip.

Yay! Fodder!

The Wretched Comic Strip

Cartooning is my first passion. I’ve been drawing far longer than running. So it may come as no surprise that I’ve been trying to combine my two passions for some time. It occurred to me that I had to jump right in, just like I have to do when I have cartoonist’s block. It is with pure glee that I introduce my latest comic strip which will appear here (hopefully weekly), The Wretched Mile:

The Wretched Green Sea of Humanity or the ShamRock’N Half report

For many a moon now, Sacramento (my beloved state’s Capitol), has been home to the ShamRock’N Half Marathon. There’s a major sponsor name in there somewhere, but they’re nuts if they think I’m going to type all that out. Though this was another in a long line of this event, it was a first for me on many levels.

Although this is the third half marathon for myself and Coach Kitten, it was the first time we were separated into different waves. I was in the first and she was in the third. There were four overall. It felt pretty strange to start a race without her beside me.

It was also the first time I’ve ever run with so many people. There were supposedly 8500 people who signed up, but only 7058 finished (no idea how many DNF’s vs. No-shows). I placed 1225 out of that number and 123 out of 379 males my age and 771 out of 2294 total males. I totally placed first out of the women with the hairiest legs.

That was the thing that made me nervous this time around. Not the hairy-legged thing, the sea of humanity (mostly wearing green, hence the clever title) thing. I wasn’t sure how I would fare around the increased number of runners. Would I be able to keep a decent pace? Would I be able to run the entire thing? Would I cause a massive pile-up earning me the disdain of hundreds of runners and branding me as a running outcast from the entire running community forever and oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing-here-this-is-going-to-be-an-epic-FAIL!

Composure regained, I realized that by the end of this race I had run over not just one, but five different bridges. One of those I traversed twice! This is a big deal. I have some odd fear of bridges. Not that I think they are going to come alive and start demolishing cities (although that would be cooler than any of the shit Michael Bay has come up with), but my fear comes from crossing them. Ever since the ’89 earthquake where part of the Bay Bridge collapsed and cars drove off, I’ve expected that to happen with every single bridge I cross. That didn’t happen today, and I scarcely noticed when I was crossing them.

The race started around sunrise at Raley Field in West Sacramento, headed across the tower bridge, meandered around the Capitol building, then wound out on along the American river trail and finally headed through historic Old Sacramento, with a final stretch occurring just south of the start line.

The mix of first-time, hardcore, casual and what-the-hell-am-I-doing-out-here runners was pretty impressive. Although I was constantly entertained by the mix, I was not thrilled with the gaggles of BFFs that had the ability to block paths as other runners were trying to pass by.

A plus to running with so many others is that I can’t come rushing out the gate. My nerves usually send me into a burst of speed, and then I’m struggling by the end. But I was able to keep a fairly even gait throughout the race. Looking at my splits, I stayed in the 8:30 range, except for mile five when it dropped to 6:50 or so. I was either on the downside of a few hills when that registered, or tree coverage played havoc with the GPS on my phone.

One of the best things about this race was diversity of surroundings. From city to wooded areas, and industrial to historic parks, there was always something to see. Fifteen bands kept runners entertained all along the path, and the majority (from what I could hear in a few seconds) was pretty good.

Toward the end, my strength and speed were waning. I was passed by a guy who had to be over 7-feet high, easy. We stayed near each other near the end, but at the last stretch, I pulled all my reserve energy and bolted for the finish. A girl next to me was inspired, I guess, and did the same. We charged to the finish line, not in competition, but in the glee of little kids running amok like little kids do.

In a day of firsts, this was also the first time I’d felt so strong in a race. I didn’t PR, and I was OK with it. There will be plenty of other opportunities for that, and if it doesn’t happen, I’m good with it.

In fact, the next half is less than three weeks away (Running of the Elk in Elk Grove). And, a day after completing the ShamRock, a discount code came via email for the Urban Cow Half, which takes place the day after my birthday. Sold!

The Barry Allen Blues and a Pair of New Shoes

My drawing above has a duplicitous meaning. Like when a woman responds with, “fine.”

Shoes make all the difference in running. Well, to be fair, shoes make the difference in a lot of things. If, for some unfortunate reason, you have to hire a defense attorney, you might want to avoid one that wears flip-flops.

Back to running shoes. When I first bought shoes specifically for running, I bought a pair of Nike Flex from Big 5 sporting goods. I tried on a pair of size 12s. I ran back and forth in the few feet of space that wasn’t packed with products. They felt good. And they were on sale. Score!

It didn’t take long before the Flex became inflexible. Runs routinely left my feet yelping like the poor little dogs they were. I had been told time and again that it was imperative – if I wanted to have any sort of shelf life on my running career – to go to a store that focused solely (Look! A pun!) on running.

Full disclosure if you are new to or have never run: Proper running shoes are not inexpensive. That being said, the price is worth it. And your feet will thank you. They won’t buy you dinner, but they won’t hurt, and that’s worth more than a dinner at Outback.

My first pair of professionally-fitted shoes came from Fleet Feet. The staff is trained to look at your footfalls and determine the pronation or supination of how each foot lands. That’s fancy talk for how bendy your feety parts are. The width and shape of your foot is also taken into account.

Something else I learned in the process is that feet swell the longer you run. So a larger shoe is going to be needed to account for flaring footsies.

I ended up with a Nike Lunarglide 5, size 13. It was a (pun alert no. 2) step up. And, just so you know, there are more brands of shoes beside Nike. I happened to like the feel of this particular shoe.

The gray and yellow Lunarglide saw me through two half-marathons, a full marathon, a 10K and hundreds of miles of training.

However, even the greatest of shoes will only last so long, taking you from feeling like Barry Allen (the Flash, for you non-comic book people), to Paul Sheldon (the dude who gets hobbled in Stephen King’s “Misery”).

Toward the middle to the end of my Lunarglides’ wear, my feet began to blister. The shoes were too narrow for my feet. When I had saved enough for a new pair, it came time for a new fitting. This time I came away with a wider, bright fiery-orange shoe made by Brooks.

I tried it out the next morning on a five-mile run. No pinching. No burning. Just pure flash.

The (Wretched) “Tiny” Half official unofficial race report

A moment of panic washed over me when I realized the “Tiny” Half was 10 days earlier than I originally thought. It was a few days shy of a month after completing my first full marathon. Two weeks of being ill limited the amount of running I was able to get in, and I didn’t think I’d have enough time to get back up to half marathon snuff.

Now if you said there was a phlegm horking competition, I would take third place, easy. First is always held by Hacking Hamish of Hercules, CA.

But never mind that. The illness passed, the weather was warm, and I was able to get back out on the road. Retraining my body commenced.

As the “Tiny” Half drew closer, winter weather did as well. The rain came to the valley. When we’re meant to be celebrating the much-needed wet stuff, I was cursing it. You wouldn’t know it to talk to me (sarcasm alert), but I’m not fond of adverse conditions. Weather, crowds, talking on the phone, the usual.

My worry went from wondering if I was ready to having to deal with crappy weather. It’s one thing to get a fine spritzing on a short run. It’s quite another to spend two hours sloshing in a downpour and get sopping wet.

It’s at times like these that I turn to Yoda. I will heed any advice from veteran runners, especially Yoda. “Wear a hat,” she said. Check. I don’t run anywhere without my Fleet Feet cap. “Wear more tight-fitting clothes, because water will weigh down extra fabric.”

I hadn’t thought of that. Simple physics. Plus, I had the ever-smart thinking Coach Kitten bought emergency rain ponchos for our running kit. Suddenly, I wasn’t even worried about a little rain. Phone calls and crowds, yes. But not rain.

The night before the race, I slept deep. There was no anxiety. I awoke refreshed and excited. Like Christmas morning, but with sweaty people. So Christmas morning with family, essentially.

We donned our running bibs and racing tucker. We finished prepping and headed out into the bleak, drizzly morning. A quick drive to Galt, two visits to the always fragrant port-a-potty for a pre-race tinkle and I was ready.

The first leg took the runners – all 101 of us – on an overpass of Highway 99, into east Galt’s farmland, straight into the rain.

And straight into the wind. The frickin’ wind.

At first it wasn’t bad. When we turned north, it was coming from behind, giving a good little push. Ah, refreshing.

From there, the path wound through country lanes, new neighborhoods and eventually back across the highway into town.

A side note here: I really hate wind. The rain on its own was fine, but throwing gusts into mix makes for miserable running. My legs were fine. My breathing was great. I didn’t suffer any side stitches as I had only a few miles into the previous two races (which I blame on having even a small breakfast). But the wind sucked. Every time I found a good stride, the wind slapped me full-on in the body, slowing me down.

Despite nature’s farting, I kept on. I cursed. I trudged. I spit and snotted. (If nature could be gross, so could I.)

I did not stop running.

I did not get a PR.

I did not mind one tiny half.

——
Official finish time: 1:57:31
Overall place: 24 out of 101
Age group placing: 6

Splits:
Mile 1: 8:30
Mile 2: 8:31
Mile 3: 8:28
Mile 4: 8:33
Mile 5: 8:34
Mile 6: 8:33
Mile 7: 8:49
Mile 8: 9:06
Mile 9: 8:41
Mile 10: 8:54
Mile 11: 9:00
Mile 12: 9:32
Mile 13: 9:11
Mile .1: 9:12